yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can you bring me the toilet please
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
