I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
