apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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