So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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