shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
