he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
