i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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