All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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