Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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