God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wear drunk well.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
