I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
