There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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