he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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