You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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