mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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