i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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