I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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