I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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