I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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