i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
