Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
