I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
