I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
