I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
