I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
