he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
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I think your dad took our porno
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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