Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
