I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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