Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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