Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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