We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
