youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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