I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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