so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
