why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
