I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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