I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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