Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
