Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
