so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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