I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
