My hand turned me down
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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