I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
