I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
