the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
