She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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