I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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