he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
