Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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