hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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