Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
