does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
