I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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