I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
