remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
